When it rains... It pours!😓

What have I done??

This question started occupying head space the moment I crossed the bridge over Portland on I5 and entered the state of WA (Washington). Almost like a well coordinated orchestra, a few minutes after I entered the border, it started to snow..

This question has still not gone away and if anything the weight of it is becoming paralytic! It's slowing me down and tiring me out. Consequently, it's making me paranoid, I am losing focus and I am having a constant migraine. I can't differentiate between the migraine caused by my head injuries and those caused by the constant churning of wheels.

I just moved to Seattle for a new gig.. I know what you are thinking... if motorcycling is a lifestyle, it makes no sense whatsoever to move to a place which has rainfall, 200 of the 365 days a year.

And yes I will agree with you... If the world of motorcycling was a silo, I would hide myself in it. Shield myself from human banality. Of herd mentality & hypocrisy.

Unfortunately, the sustenance of this lifestyle choices depends heavily on conference rooms and explaining numbers.

The job is not made easy by the fact this country doesn't considers machine learning or predictive modelling or using advanced statistical methods "speciality" enough.

The whole point of taking up the new gig was that, I need to get to a more predictable position. A stable job, that will keep every other part of my life predictable and I can continue to train myself for the unpredictability of motorcycle racing.

And just when I think, I can put my head down to the grind stone and get to work, my entire future, including my wedding plans and the motorcycling dream is in question. It's like, trying to strengthen a foundation of a building only to realize, it's been rigged with dynamite even before you started living there. Only that you were promised, "it would all be fine."

My new company filed for a transfer of my Visa. And the government agency is questioning if my job is a "speciality occupation". Now I am not going into the political nature of that question. The reality is I might have to bid a lot of things good bye, maybe forever, if the petition gets denied despite providing evidence.

Those endless hours of working on the Moto or training hard to get back after the crash, will have been for nothing.

I question myself if I had gotten greedy? I signed up for a more boring, predictable job with a company not necessarily known for its employee focused culture. I decided to trade unpredictable industry for time tested formula and it feels it has back fired. How was I being greedy?

I haven't quite had a moment of peace since the crash. I feel like I have been getting pummeled on all fronts, and at some point I started believing this is normal in life. Did I always tell myself that it could be worse and that I should be thankful for what I have and that I need to keep pushing forward. I did. Will I tell that to myself again? Probably will. But fact is if the outcome ain't good and I tell myself that, I am probably fighting again for survival. Not to build any dreams.

But for now, it's pouring.. it literally is. And I am feeling marooned with water neck deep and land no where in sight.

Running 10km... in 2 years 1 month & 10days

Here is the display of a treadmill from earlier this evening.....

And this is a view of the hospital corridor 2yrs ago... 

What or how should I feel? Happy? Strong?

I feel tired.... drained.....

Not from the run.. the run is just a threshold I can remind myself of, on the days I feel low.

I feel drained from the constant urge to keep pushing.. with caution. Constantly checking my back. Checking & rechecking my plans for points of failure. Checking the path forward for pitfalls.

I was always meticulous about my approach towards any action. The point I am trying to make is, it is a lot more than before. Because the margin of error is a lot smaller these days. There is barely any buffer to fall back on. 

I probably could have run this 10k eight months back. But it was important to run it without causing any knee injury. Running a 10k eight months back may have gotten me bed ridden for a week.. or worse. I dunno. It was important to only run this 10k, after running a 8k, 6 times in the last 6 weeks.. consistently... to gain enough confidence that I can do it without hurting myself.

I miss the days when I could be, "screw this.. I am having a bad day, I am going to run, half way across the city... to gain some perspective." I miss the high I used to get from pushing hard to do that 1 extra lap in the swimming pool or cycling those 4 extra miles.. just because I could. Such an act of "pushing to the limit", borders precariously to losing it all; these days.

Pain being the least of my worries....

The biggest change from before has been the way I see virtues like determination and discipline. We have grown up with stories of humans crossing oceans and climbing mountains, literally and metaphorically, as examples of determination and will power. The inspiration from those stories, got me into this sport and brought me where I am today. But off late I am having to believe that pushing to the exact limit I can "afford" is the true test of discipline, determination and will power.

The real fear is that, by over doing something I could end up losing it all. The struggle here is trying to figure out how much is too much and how little is too little. I understand that the same limitations existed before. Push too far and you could get hurt and lose it all. But 31 yrs had taught me how much was too much. Somehow since the crash, that faith that I know my limits seems to have faltered.

Neither time nor resources are endless. So before I set out to attempt something, I need to really estimate and then check again if I can do it.

Every step of the 10k had to land in a specific way, so that my knee didn't buckle with a misplaced heel-toe roll or uneven impact. Because I don't know which of the many times my knee could have buckled would have been the last time I walked on 2 feet.

I used to think, running that extra mile, after running 10 was the hardest part. I am beginning to see that, trying to understand your limits  and not running that extra mile, if you haven't planned and prepared for it is harder than that. And that's what is draining me more.

All human vices faded in comparison to the high, "pushing to the limits" gave me. That's probably why I gravitated towards riding a motorcycle like my hair was on fire. It pushed me to my limits physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially. It was a drug that came with side effects such as, eating healthy, exercising, finishing work and paying bills on time, reducing financial liabilities and so on.

The side effects still remain. But can't say the same for the high. It has become more an obsession than a drug. It borders on survival necessity (psychologically) more than anything else. No one ever got a high from trying to survive. Or felt ecstatic for that matter.

Don't read me wrong, I am happy I am here, giving it all. I thrive on trying to solve problems and overcoming difficulties. But it's that fear that I have no buffer space Incase of a mishap, strains me.

There ain't no fireworks or trophies at this finish line. Hell there ain't even a finish line. Cuz the day I reach one, I ve probably given up on life. And I am glad I don't see one. But fact is the last 2 years have made me believe true happiness isn't defined by ratification by likes on Facebook or retweets on Twitter. It's only defined by the peace that descends post a target I achieve. It's defined by the inspiration that it nurtures and the motivation it provides to propell me forward.

I'll close this one out with a video montage of the weekend of July 29/30. I specifically chose that song for a reason.. because.. it is just a threshold... that has inspired me and motivated me, to keep pushing.. no matter how tired I feel.

I am running that race...

2000 miles of.... Therapy & Peace

"No music for the ride?" Adi quipped over WhatsApp as I messaged him from my over night stop in Crescent City; on my way to Portland....... on 2 wheels. 

 

What can I say? The high pitched wail of the cams as I open the throttle, is the lead guitar shredding.. the rumble of the tires, is the percussion and the whoosh of air through the airbox is the bass!! I am listening to a live rock performance just fine :).

And the best part about this journey...

The scenery.. perpetually changing.... mystic... dynamic and just jaw droppingly beautiful and mesmerizing!

Life as I knew it changed, exactly 2 years ago today. All my notions of how the world works, the concept of causality, the belief in control over consequences from actions, had to be re examined and re evaluated.

By no means have I started believing in the supreme power of a divine entity defined by theology. Or in the concepts of fate and destiny for that matter. If anything, I've become more stead fast in my belief that every outcome is a result of a sequence of actions. Both known and unknown. Conscious and sub conscious. Self driven, circumstantially driven, environmentally driven and driven by other human entities.

I cannot predict the actions of a person driving a car. I don't know if he or she is drunk or sober. But what I can definitely do is, make sure my vehicle service is done on time. I have enough rest before a long rides. And pay attention to the road ahead. 

In other words, no one can guarantee a positive outcome, a 100% of the time. But I can definitely control the input actions/factors to increase the probability of the expected positive outcome.

This view was a burden to hold on to, initially. I couldn't accept that I don't have a 100% control over outcomes.  It is probably easier to believe in fate. But, realizing this reality is what made this trip happen.

4 days of riding. Over 40hrs of thoughts within the confines of my helmet. 1800 miles of reflection & introspection..

When I returned from the trip, and was asked how it was, all I could say was the cliched "Awesome!", "Beautiful!" and so on. Which it was, no doubt. But I finally settled on the word that aptly summarizes it. Therapeutic. 

You see, the world around me hasn't changed. I have the same problems I had a week back. But just like how persistence is all that got me to walk, swim, run and ride again, this trip was therapy to help me recoup my confidence. The confidence to push on

On June 18th, I got back on the race track for the second time..

Reached a goal I set in the hospital 2 years back. But most importantly, didn't get damned!! 😄 For context, it's the notoriously etched phrase at the end of this post . (Rise & Fall)

Truth be told, I am scared to be ecstatic because, there might be an element of ego that follows it. I sure as hell, cannot afford more injuries caused by even a hint of over confidence. Physically, psychologically and financially too. But I can afford to be content and at peace. Being peaceful ensures that I don't lose sight of the end objective.

"It ain't done till it's done."

I promised myself that I would cross the finish line with the checkered flag waving and I ain't there yet. It don't matter if I come last, but I need to finish a race successfully.

Both these milestones have given me some peace of mind. The reassurance that working hard is the only option. Pushing for progress is always a non zero value and it sure is better than being stationary.

My task list is longer than what it was 2 yrs back. Not because I like filling them and scattering them in the void of self importance. I mean, at some point my task list did include daily tasks like walk 5000 steps with the crutch to train my brain to maintain balance. Just yesterday, I ran a 10K for warm-up on the treadmill and that featured in my task list too.

So yes, the task list continues to get longer in this pursuit, every time I reach a threshold. How much am I going to push? I have answered it here... http://octanestreaks.blogspot.com/2016/03/persistent-adamant.html

This trip pushed my limits of physical endurance. I was running on protein and granola bars the entire day. And, I wasn't sure if the gasoline was propelling me or the energy from those bars. ~900 miles each way, stopping only for fuel and hydration. Sore back, shoulders, and it felt like I had just done 2 hrs of squats and shoulder presses every time I stopped.

But while my body was screaming in pain, the mind was tranquil. There is a sense of clarity.

The clarity to push on.. to keep aiming higher.. to pursue more

There is peace....

The hardest thing about Racing Motorcycles

What's the hardest thing about racing motorcycles?

The expenses?

Sure.. but no.. it ain't the hardest thing. If ppl throw wads of green at jewellery and clothes, most of what makes a machine "race"able also makes it safe in it's natural environment. So it comes down to priorities. And I'll leave it there.

The effort?

Trust me.. it takes a lot. The physical energy and logistical planning required for 1 weekend of serious track riding is more than what most ppl can fathom. But then there have been endless stories of human endurance that outweigh this effort in a blink. So it's not just the effort.

Overcoming the fear?

Everytime you crash and know you just beat death by a whisker, the fear overwhelmes you. No matter how much of a super hero you think you are. But then, speed is addictive. And to be fast on the track, all it takes is, discipline and precision. Which is a lot safer than a psychotropic drug that makes you hallucinate minstrels and fairies.  Also, the last time I checked both those words didn't feature in the "Bad Words" section of any vocabulary. Not to mention, those traits are transferrable to other aspects of life.

So what is it?

- Ignoring the prejudiced views of people​ against Motorcyclist? - For which, all I got to say is #HatersGonnaHate

- Ignoring the unsolicited advice of couch racers? - May I recommend an excellent pair of ear phones. The world is a better place with jams that make you groove. 

- Managing tires - Really Bruh?😠 - ain't no business deals between Michelin & Dorna stopping you from fitting a oversized Dunlop 165/60 slicks on a 4.5inch rim. 😝

Nope .. Nope.. and Nope 

The hardest thing about racing motorcycles is .... WAITING.

You see, I briefly covered this in one of my posts before, but the reality is racing or even track days are like prepping for a game of basketball(or any sport). When done right.. you train 5 days a week.. 2 times a day.. eat right.. sleep right.. study hard to clear your exams.. do you homework on time.. your don't lie to your girlfriend about practice.. or your coach about not attending it.. or your team mates about why you were sleeping when they called you.

Similarly.. I paid my bills on time to avoid late fees ..and even set up calendar reminders to prevent accidentally incurring them... cuz every penny saved can get me an ounce of 100 octane... Finished all my projects and meetings on time... cuz every minute I earn there, I could be training in the gym or changing/improving the set up on my Moto.. spoke to my partner and family on time cuz every minute I wasn't arguing with them on why I didn't call them, I could be doing research on more Moto drills that could help me be faster on track.. and the list goes on.. oh did I also tell you that you need time to save money..  not just for buying parts or kit.. but also to afford ancillary medical cover.. air ambulance... savings... 401K.. and again.. the list goes on. 

Why? 

When everything is in order you can score that 3 pointer peacefully... that wins the championship for the school.. or you post your fastest laptime / win the race or even the championship.

In other words you want it so bad.. you don't want to set a foot wrong.

But I digress..

Fact is, even though you are so busy keeping all the cogs in your life moving seamlessly... In harmony... There is a hurricane in the back of your mind that is trying to rip apart the roots of peace in your head. It craves that speed. It craves precision. It craves that wailing throttle blipped downshift that helps you seamlessly lean the bike over for 20mph turn at the end of the 125mph back straight.

A lot of people say it's like the high from a drug. I say you don't know 2 diddles what you are talking about. 

But again I digress... 

So while life happens, the tempest rages on at the back of your mind. 

You are waiting to scrape that wafer thin knee puck for the nth time. You are waiting to dangle that foot while braking hard for a turn. You are waiting to take every opening you find on track. You are waiting to feel the heart race everytime you crack the throttle exiting a turn at a precise point. You are waiting for that "Adrenaline Rush".... You are waiting to Live!

I'll leave you with the great words of Mr McQueen.. 

"Racing is life.. Anything before or after is just waiting"

- Steve McQueen

Different views.. facets.. perspectives.. emotions.. from a 555 mile ride

Ram stood on the podium on all 5 races this weekend (AFM Rd1 @Buttonwillow). 3 of them on the top step. For all the times we made fun about his characteristic talk about "body position", boy did he close up on his competition like a bullet off a rail gun at the banked "riverside" of Buttonwillow Speedway. With the body position he always spoke about. It was poetry in motion. Smooth, precise... accurate. It was a pleasure to watch.

And Charlie.. Dear lord!! his scrap with the "crippled"(defined as turning the 4 pot into a triple) silver ninja & orange R6, was nothing short of a Telenovela in motion. The way he out braked the 636 (turned into a 450) at the end of the main straight was like a surgeon making an incision. It was brilliant.

And there I was, hopelessly wishing, I could get back and drag some knee......

I remember I wrote how my 1000 mile journey started with a single cycling session. I didn't quite hit a 1000 miles.... But it was a little over half that distance... 555 to be precise. Fact is, I got to see some of the most beautiful scenery this state has to offer, if you just tread off the beaten path.

       

  

From 1 track roads to fast sweeping mountain roads... from city splitting highways.... to trails with creeks on them... it was 555 miles of mixed emotions... a constant reminder of my limitations... and reminding myself the ride was an opportunity to learn how to overcome them... of learning and unlearning... of sadness... of happiness.. & most importantly of acceptance & accomplishment.

I remember telling myself before I got on Hwy 25 for the last 100 miles of my journey, that cut the BS and get on with it. And the next sweeper that came, I kid you not... I was head down.. knee out.. arm stretched.. off the saddle and hustling the K1200 while constantly feeding in the throttle.  But before I could rejoice the event, I came to a switch back and all I told myself was "Focus Dude.. Focus".... I loaded the front with a gentle squeeze of the brakes, leant the bike to the left & rolled on the gas as I switched sides. I came off the turn with the tach reading 7000 rpm in 3rd. I felt I had achieved nirvana.

You see, until then I was doing all the classic, "I am too chicken to move my butt on the seat" thing and cocking up all my turns. Like someone who is riding a moto for the first time. I had to remind myself, just cuz I hadn't ridden for 2 years, doesn't mean I have unlearnt the right things to do.  I just needed to believe & execute.

But more importantly, the perspective that 2 years back, I was on a wheel chair, not able to see diddly squat and here I am enjoying the sights & sounds of riding through the boonies.

It should come as no surprise to any of you for what I am about to tell you next. I want to get back on track. While it does seem more an more likely, I am not taking it for granted.

For instance in all the right handers in this trip, I was able to open the throttle like my hair was on fire. But the vision loss, combined with the diplopia made left turns far more tricky than expected. I was not able to scan the road fast enough. I kept rolling off the gas.... mid turn. And you know how much of a No! No! that is. 😊 But then as they say identification of the problem is half the fix. So I am going to work on it.

And hopefully, not far from now, I can be back on track. Not just sharing a laugh.. but also scraping some paint...

Just need to do... what must be done!!

"Forget about likes & dislikes. They are of no consequence. 

Just do what must be done.

It might not be happiness, but it is greatness"

- George Bernard Shaw         

Clearly Mr Shaw, did a better job of describing, how to proceed objectively to achieve a goal.

I reiterated, in July, 2016 what I was doing to get back on the saddle and mentioned that I was still determined  & was training to do it. (The now infamous quote, "I'll be damned if I didn't try harder everyday.. every moment.. to get back on a bike")

And so it happened.... on Nov 5th, 2016 at 9:36 am.

While I was happy to get back to riding again (on a small 300cc parallel twin), after the crash that broke 6 bones & left me half blind and in a coma; I wasn't necessarily content.  Knowing me, that shouldn't come as a surprise to most, if not all of you. 

So I set my sights on getting back on the big 1200cc, 168 hp, 575lb, 60inch wheelbase monster of a machine.

And so I did... on Dec 29, 2016 at 11:43 am

But what you cannot see is, how brutal life can get in the time between these 2 shots.

I had more health issues, that left me bed ridden for a week... went through another heart wrenching episode of layoffs... Trump becomes the president elect & straightaway announces that even the most hardworking legal aliens are not safe from his mood swings.. and... the news that my dad has been diagnosed with a tumor in his liver.

And trust me I know when I say this...  "life can get more brutal". For instance, ask the people trapped in a war torn region of the world. Yet, it doesn't take away the fact that these curve balls that life throws at you in rapid succession, is like getting pummeled by a pugilist throwing face tearing jabs & hooks.

My dad passed away on Jan 9th, 2017. Just months after we discussed how I had this ambition of retrofitting a BMW N54 straight 6 in a 67 Mustang with modern running gear & a roll cage. There he was saying, he will be here cheering me on in my first race, that I was training for. But he went from "he is walking" to "not being able to talk" in less than the time it would take me to train for 5K run.

Fact remains, I cannot change the past... we may question and hypothesize a lot in these circumstances. Its however undeniable that, if life is limited and we have less than anticipated time to finish things before we breath our last, then conversations that involve the phrases, "could've" & "would've" are as point less as pouring water over burnt embers.

So paying heed to what my mom says, its important to be thankful for the people who love & care for us and keep moving forward. I am thankful for some amazing friends I have made over the years, my family and most important of all, the woman I've decided to spend my life with.

While I will always have the hollow feeling from this point on, I still have the burning urge to press on. Wrong? You want to debate me on that? I will provide a list of hypocrisies that humans have accepted as the "norm", and we can point fingers at each other all night long. But the thing is, I don't have time to waste.

I have come too far to let anything get in the way now. I wasn't expecting happiness like Mr Shaw had mentioned & truth be told I wasn't doing it for the greatness either. My benchmark always was and will be, to sleep every night knowing, I gave it my best in everything I attempted to do each day.

I didn't choose to get hurt; physically or emotionally. And if I could prevent it all, I would. But I do have the choice to get up & get back every time I fall. And as long as there is even an iota of chance to achieve what I set out to do, after a mishap/grief, I will give it all and try.

So I am going to try to get back on track. Literally!