Here is the display of a treadmill from earlier this evening.....
And this is a view of the hospital corridor 2yrs ago...
What or how should I feel? Happy? Strong?
I feel tired.... drained.....
Not from the run.. the run is just a threshold I can remind myself of, on the days I feel low.
I feel drained from the constant urge to keep pushing.. with caution. Constantly checking my back. Checking & rechecking my plans for points of failure. Checking the path forward for pitfalls.
I was always meticulous about my approach towards any action. The point I am trying to make is, it is a lot more than before. Because the margin of error is a lot smaller these days. There is barely any buffer to fall back on.
I probably could have run this 10k eight months back. But it was important to run it without causing any knee injury. Running a 10k eight months back may have gotten me bed ridden for a week.. or worse. I dunno. It was important to only run this 10k, after running a 8k, 6 times in the last 6 weeks.. consistently... to gain enough confidence that I can do it without hurting myself.
I miss the days when I could be, "screw this.. I am having a bad day, I am going to run, half way across the city... to gain some perspective." I miss the high I used to get from pushing hard to do that 1 extra lap in the swimming pool or cycling those 4 extra miles.. just because I could. Such an act of "pushing to the limit", borders precariously to losing it all; these days.
Pain being the least of my worries....
The biggest change from before has been the way I see virtues like determination and discipline. We have grown up with stories of humans crossing oceans and climbing mountains, literally and metaphorically, as examples of determination and will power. The inspiration from those stories, got me into this sport and brought me where I am today. But off late I am having to believe that pushing to the exact limit I can "afford" is the true test of discipline, determination and will power.
The real fear is that, by over doing something I could end up losing it all. The struggle here is trying to figure out how much is too much and how little is too little. I understand that the same limitations existed before. Push too far and you could get hurt and lose it all. But 31 yrs had taught me how much was too much. Somehow since the crash, that faith that I know my limits seems to have faltered.
Neither time nor resources are endless. So before I set out to attempt something, I need to really estimate and then check again if I can do it.
Every step of the 10k had to land in a specific way, so that my knee didn't buckle with a misplaced heel-toe roll or uneven impact. Because I don't know which of the many times my knee could have buckled would have been the last time I walked on 2 feet.
I used to think, running that extra mile, after running 10 was the hardest part. I am beginning to see that, trying to understand your limits and not running that extra mile, if you haven't planned and prepared for it is harder than that. And that's what is draining me more.
All human vices faded in comparison to the high, "pushing to the limits" gave me. That's probably why I gravitated towards riding a motorcycle like my hair was on fire. It pushed me to my limits physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially. It was a drug that came with side effects such as, eating healthy, exercising, finishing work and paying bills on time, reducing financial liabilities and so on.
The side effects still remain. But can't say the same for the high. It has become more an obsession than a drug. It borders on survival necessity (psychologically) more than anything else. No one ever got a high from trying to survive. Or felt ecstatic for that matter.
Don't read me wrong, I am happy I am here, giving it all. I thrive on trying to solve problems and overcoming difficulties. But it's that fear that I have no buffer space Incase of a mishap, strains me.
There ain't no fireworks or trophies at this finish line. Hell there ain't even a finish line. Cuz the day I reach one, I ve probably given up on life. And I am glad I don't see one. But fact is the last 2 years have made me believe true happiness isn't defined by ratification by likes on Facebook or retweets on Twitter. It's only defined by the peace that descends post a target I achieve. It's defined by the inspiration that it nurtures and the motivation it provides to propell me forward.
I'll close this one out with a video montage of the weekend of July 29/30. I specifically chose that song for a reason.. because.. it is just a threshold... that has inspired me and motivated me, to keep pushing.. no matter how tired I feel.
I am running that race...
