Persistent?...... Adamant?

There is a thin line separating persistence and adamantly pursuing things. For most my life, I have never stopped to think what classifies as what? But then some things you pursue can be classified either, depending on how important you perceive the outcome to be.

Baseline? its Subjective...

I remember, I joined the arts club when I was 14 yrs old. And on the first day, I painted a couple of dinosaurs over looking a volcano spewing ash. Needless to say, the art work ended in the trash pretty emphatically 4 years later. How did it survive 4 mins, let alone 4yrs? 

It survived because, 5 mins after the paint dried it was hidden in a non descript corner of the arts room never for such an abomination to be seen by anyone.  The session was followed by a hesitant encouragement from Mr Rajah, the arts teacher, that maybe I should consider "crafts". And I didn't take the hint. I sold origami frogs and birds that year in the arts club annual meet for 1Rupee a piece. I was the highest earning member for the arts club that year. All of Rs. 56 (1$). 

Persistent?...... Adamant?

Then for the next 10 yrs I kept practicing the art of graphite and silicon making shapes on a paper. And I ended up with specimens like these.

Over the years, this also helped me pay my bus fares, get my first girl friend a gift from the money I "earned", get a job as a graphic designer and helped me pay for the innumerable "extra curricular" activities that teenagers do.

So when I was in the hospital, mostly blind, what do you think were my first thoughts? Since I am talking about art, you must have guessed about, me drawing again.

Nope.... When will I ride again? Will I ride again? 

Again I digress...

So one day I decided to challenge myself with drawing something... anything; despite the partial vision and lack of depth perception. (A big thanks to Alex and Marta here for getting me my sketch book and pencils and encouraging me to take the first step) And after a few too many failed attempts, I ended up with this...

Persistent?...... Adamant?

Most of my friends who used to hear about my weekend plans to run a half marathon always thought I was an athlete in school and college. I was anything but that. You can ask my class mates how un athletic I was by any school kid standards. Let alone a military school's standard.

You honestly don't want to know the repercussions of missing "ONE" pushup count in your morning physical training session, in the training in National Defense Academy. How do I know? 28732/Echo/109... that's how I know.

I was 13 when I ran my first cross country race in school. You typically have 20 min from the time the first guy enters the enclosure to finish the race. I can 20min 46sec later. Needless to say, I was "rogered" by my seniors for the foreseeable future.

But then I ran... even when I had an infection in my leg that threatened to have me amputated. 

I ran for 8 more years; even when I didn't have to. Now, considering the 4 medals I earned in college athletics (1500mts/5000mts/4X400 relay) I believe I ran for the right reasons. 

Persistent?...... Adamant?

Well I ran even 15 yrs after that... and came second in a half marathon trail run in California.

Persistent?...... Adamant?

I ran 1 km on the treadmill last week.. holding the side rails.. losing my balance every 10th step.. yes, I kept track.

Persistent?...... Adamant?

Just yesterday, I joked with my friends, that I have either a. run a half marathon or b. been admitted to a hospital in almost every country I have visited. And I have visited few. Again, not sure that point b. is a good stat. But then it begs the question..

Persistent?...... Adamant?

Not a day goes by when I don't hear granny's scolding, about how adamant I am. Coming from an iron willed lady like her; I now understand, how adamant I really was. But then I am glad I was adamant. For all the "unnecessary" arguments I have had over the years and for all the times I believed that I need to stick to my guns despite taking the path less traveled, I am really glad I did them. 

If I got a dollar every time someone asked me, if I am going to give up motorcycling because of this accident, Id be a millionaire by now.

The rationale for "not" to ride again is consistent across, everyone I have heard it from - "It hurt you so badly and so much.. you should GIVEUP". On the flip side, the rationales I have been told, on why I should pursue, varies from; "its your passion" , "its your hobby" or even "it defines you". Maybe it does.....

But my reason is simple.. in both art and physical training... there was a day when I was told I needed to choose an alternative path(directly and indirectly)... and yet .... here I am.... still drawing... running.... doing em pushups....... handstands..... swimming

Persistent?...... Adamant?

What does it take?

In today's world, our insight into a person's life is predominated by the content in their Facebook posts, Tweets and Instagrams. Which sometimes makes me wonder if we are losing the art of empathizing as humans.

But I digress....

Its one thing, in an anger infused, "I refuse to accept this" triggered, state of mind; to declare that I will accomplish something and its a whole different thing to do it. My last post ended with "But I’ll be damned if I don’t try harder everyday.. every moment." ..... But its a whole different thing to keep pushing endlessly. 

Pushing yourself continuously is like walking on the blade of a sword.... precariously!! You are so obsessed in wanting to achieve things that, you don't realize you could end up hurting yourself again. Physically.... Mentally.... Emotionally.....

Initially, more than the struggle of not being able to walk... it was harder NOT to be able to do anything about it, from the confines of a wheel chair. I remember how much of a hard time I gave mom, when I declared I was going to practice walking a MILE with a walker. 

But then; if you don't keep pushing yourself, how will you know your limits?? 

People advised me that I need to exercise "BALANCE in PUSHING". 

The irony and paradox in that phrase doesn't seem to bother anyone. The only thing that I believe will balance "pushing" is not getting hurt to a point; where it will impede progress, to achieve the objective, that I am working for in the first place.

So the question remains how am I pushing myself? Or Am I even pushing myself? Or do I just like to romanticise struggle?

In late November when I started walking with a forearm crutch; one Saturday morning from 6:00 am to 10:00am, was spent just walking on the walk way near my apartment. 

I was training my brain to 
a. comprehend the image it was seeing
b. not doubt every step I had to take  
c. train my hip to not give up when I walk

How can you doubt your step? ... you ask me...

Picture this: You have had a brain trauma that has left you partially blind, unable to maintain your center of gravity and neurological damage that result in temporary sensory loss without warning. Now tell yourself that, there is nothing that you will run into while walking. 

Right.. 

I bumped my head twice the first 2 times I got into the swimming pool (to train leg movement) as I my depth perception was wayyyyy off mark, as a result of the vision loss

So what should I do? Not swim(the only exercise I could do)? Not try to push? sit and feel sorry for myself? 

Most of you must have guessed right, what I did at this point. That's right, I turned around, rubbed my head off and pushed myself away from the side wall... for another lap of the pool.

I described in my previous post about the day my therapist asked me to move my broken shoulder and how I screamed in pain. But that same motivation that pushed to do those 50 push ups also made me do this in the gym last week.....

So then? Is it done? Shouldn't it be reason to celebrate?
 
Don't get me wrong; I am happy with the progress so far.. BUT... "It ain't done till its done". In this case I haven't crossed that finish line with the chequered flag waving; marking the end of a moto race.

And until that happens, I will continue to push..

(PS: Vision is still an issue; and a pretty big one. But my rationale is I don't know when it is going to improve.... considering.... at this point, some amount of permanent vision loss is expected... BUT... I need more than just my vision to ride again. As Roshini keeps saying.. keep taking the next step.. options will present themselves only when you take it.)