In today's world, our insight into a person's life is predominated by the content in their Facebook posts, Tweets and Instagrams. Which sometimes makes me wonder if we are losing the art of empathizing as humans.
But I digress....
Its one thing, in an anger infused, "I refuse to accept this" triggered, state of mind; to declare that I will accomplish something and its a whole different thing to do it. My last post ended with "But I’ll be damned if I don’t try harder everyday.. every moment." ..... But its a whole different thing to keep pushing endlessly.
Pushing yourself continuously is like walking on the blade of a sword.... precariously!! You are so obsessed in wanting to achieve things that, you don't realize you could end up hurting yourself again. Physically.... Mentally.... Emotionally.....
Initially, more than the struggle of not being able to walk... it was harder NOT to be able to do anything about it, from the confines of a wheel chair. I remember how much of a hard time I gave mom, when I declared I was going to practice walking a MILE with a walker.
But then; if you don't keep pushing yourself, how will you know your limits??
People advised me that I need to exercise "BALANCE in PUSHING".
The irony and paradox in that phrase doesn't seem to bother anyone. The only thing that I believe will balance "pushing" is not getting hurt to a point; where it will impede progress, to achieve the objective, that I am working for in the first place.
So the question remains how am I pushing myself? Or Am I even pushing myself? Or do I just like to romanticise struggle?
In late November when I started walking with a forearm crutch; one Saturday morning from 6:00 am to 10:00am, was spent just walking on the walk way near my apartment.
I was training my brain to
a. comprehend the image it was seeing
b. not doubt every step I had to take
c. train my hip to not give up when I walk
How can you doubt your step? ... you ask me...
Picture this: You have had a brain trauma that has left you partially blind, unable to maintain your center of gravity and neurological damage that result in temporary sensory loss without warning. Now tell yourself that, there is nothing that you will run into while walking.
Right..
I bumped my head twice the first 2 times I got into the swimming pool (to train leg movement) as I my depth perception was wayyyyy off mark, as a result of the vision loss
So what should I do? Not swim(the only exercise I could do)? Not try to push? sit and feel sorry for myself?
Most of you must have guessed right, what I did at this point. That's right, I turned around, rubbed my head off and pushed myself away from the side wall... for another lap of the pool.
I described in my previous post about the day my therapist asked me to move my broken shoulder and how I screamed in pain. But that same motivation that pushed to do those 50 push ups also made me do this in the gym last week.....
So then? Is it done? Shouldn't it be reason to celebrate?
Don't get me wrong; I am happy with the progress so far.. BUT... "It ain't done till its done". In this case I haven't crossed that finish line with the chequered flag waving; marking the end of a moto race.
And until that happens, I will continue to push..
(PS: Vision is still an issue; and a pretty big one. But my rationale is I don't know when it is going to improve.... considering.... at this point, some amount of permanent vision loss is expected... BUT... I need more than just my vision to ride again. As Roshini keeps saying.. keep taking the next step.. options will present themselves only when you take it.)
But I digress....
Its one thing, in an anger infused, "I refuse to accept this" triggered, state of mind; to declare that I will accomplish something and its a whole different thing to do it. My last post ended with "But I’ll be damned if I don’t try harder everyday.. every moment." ..... But its a whole different thing to keep pushing endlessly.
Pushing yourself continuously is like walking on the blade of a sword.... precariously!! You are so obsessed in wanting to achieve things that, you don't realize you could end up hurting yourself again. Physically.... Mentally.... Emotionally.....
Initially, more than the struggle of not being able to walk... it was harder NOT to be able to do anything about it, from the confines of a wheel chair. I remember how much of a hard time I gave mom, when I declared I was going to practice walking a MILE with a walker.
But then; if you don't keep pushing yourself, how will you know your limits??
People advised me that I need to exercise "BALANCE in PUSHING".
The irony and paradox in that phrase doesn't seem to bother anyone. The only thing that I believe will balance "pushing" is not getting hurt to a point; where it will impede progress, to achieve the objective, that I am working for in the first place.
So the question remains how am I pushing myself? Or Am I even pushing myself? Or do I just like to romanticise struggle?
In late November when I started walking with a forearm crutch; one Saturday morning from 6:00 am to 10:00am, was spent just walking on the walk way near my apartment.
I was training my brain to
a. comprehend the image it was seeing
b. not doubt every step I had to take
c. train my hip to not give up when I walk
How can you doubt your step? ... you ask me...
Picture this: You have had a brain trauma that has left you partially blind, unable to maintain your center of gravity and neurological damage that result in temporary sensory loss without warning. Now tell yourself that, there is nothing that you will run into while walking.
Right..
I bumped my head twice the first 2 times I got into the swimming pool (to train leg movement) as I my depth perception was wayyyyy off mark, as a result of the vision loss
So what should I do? Not swim(the only exercise I could do)? Not try to push? sit and feel sorry for myself?
Most of you must have guessed right, what I did at this point. That's right, I turned around, rubbed my head off and pushed myself away from the side wall... for another lap of the pool.
I described in my previous post about the day my therapist asked me to move my broken shoulder and how I screamed in pain. But that same motivation that pushed to do those 50 push ups also made me do this in the gym last week.....
So then? Is it done? Shouldn't it be reason to celebrate?
Don't get me wrong; I am happy with the progress so far.. BUT... "It ain't done till its done". In this case I haven't crossed that finish line with the chequered flag waving; marking the end of a moto race.
And until that happens, I will continue to push..
(PS: Vision is still an issue; and a pretty big one. But my rationale is I don't know when it is going to improve.... considering.... at this point, some amount of permanent vision loss is expected... BUT... I need more than just my vision to ride again. As Roshini keeps saying.. keep taking the next step.. options will present themselves only when you take it.)
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