This is Rome!!

This is Rome....

It wasn't built in a day... or a year... or even a decade...

It is scarred... from all the battles.. from the Punic wars in 3rd century BC to... WWII...

The walls of the buildings in this beautiful city are riddled with the pain, struggle and endless strife of all the men and women who built it... protected it...... through all those times of adversity.

However, it doesn't take away the fact.... it still stands today.... as one of the most iconic cities. A symbol of triumph; of human spirit and endurance.

This is a human form..... that is a metaphoric representation of the beauty of Rome....

These are humans etching a line in the space time continuum......  a metaphoric representation of the beauty of Rome...

Hardly anyone saw Arnold's struggle in moving to the US from Austria when he was 20, or the 100 lb dumb bell, that he did his biceps curl with. Or how he shouted in agony wen his trainer told him.. "ONE MORE... GIVE ME ONE MORE".

Almost no one remembers the time when, Dani Pedrosa broke his right shoulder in a racing incident.... had a plate fitted in it... to come back to race 8 days later... only to have the shoulder blade shatter again. And yet he still stands on the podium of Moto GP races.

Which begs the question, in this world of instant everything; are we forgetting what it really takes to achieve some thing? to reach a goal? Or is the mindset of "giving up even before we try; because its not instantly gratifying" a pandemic that needs a cure. Or is the pandemic widely spreading only in the general populous of "Everyday" life.

By no measure am I trying to do anything like these guys. I mean this ain't no Mr Universe contest or MotoGP championship. And neither am I gonna get a million $ for doing this. But this is the opportunity "I WORKED" for all these years and this might as well be Mr Universe or MotoGP for me.

After getting back to as normal a life as possible..... I reminded myself of the quote my senior used to say in the academy... "When the going gets tough!! the tough do pushups..." 

So..... I did em push ups.... 

And pullups......

And hand stands...

And punching drills.....

And squats.. lunges.. hip abductions.. kettle ball swings.. floor exercises.. sand bell throws.. weighted hip rotations ..  and the list goes on!

Why?

I am now 23% blind in my field of vision... no... its not one eye.. its both.. 

I was told 3 weeks ago that its permanent... based on the medical and field vision tests. But I have known that for quite sometime now... 67 days to be precise... Couple that with the orbital fracture in the right eye socket, that has my inferior rectus trapped in the scar tissues... restricting my oculo-motor functions.... which in turn causes diplopia in extreme vision... And image processing is slow due to that blood clot over my medulla.. that has left some damage behind.

Long story short... its almost impossible to ride a motorcycle viewing the entire area of vision required from the vizor a of helmet.. more so in full tuck!

Why full tuck? This is why... (Pic: On my 2002 CBR954RR - T14 - Thunder hill raceway)

However I am still doing em pushups - to strengthen my shoulders - It will help push that weight of that bike through the turns.

I am doing em pullups - to strengthen the muscles around my scapula that is fractured twice - It will help me shift weight between the arms.

Doing em handstands -  to train my brain on balance.. irrespective of the orientation - it will help me maintain the center of gravity between me and my bike when leaning. 

Those boxing drills - to keep my focus on the point I need to punch while shifting weight between the legs - it will help me transfer weight from side to side when in turns on a bike. It will also help me estimate distances to braking and exit markers despite the diplopia.

All those absurd & weird, leg & hip exercises - to strengthen those muscle tissues around those screws holding those titanium rods in the leg - I mean.. it ain't no fun to have a piece of metal scratch all your nerve endings and give you a pinch of agony every time you take a step. Let alone sit crouched on a bike.

So why am I doing em? Even though it seems like I can't ride or race again.

I haven't found a way to compensate for the vision loss. But when I do figure it out..... I don't want to struggle moving on a motorcycle, because I didn't strengthen myself physically... or the fact I don't have the mobility I once had.

So I rode a bicycle last weekend... for 10 miles.. 16.093 Km.. in 1hr 2min 46 sec... And then swam for 500 mts.. at an average of 1 min 4 sec for 50 mts.....

I don't need to tell you why.. This picture says it all....

The ally called Fear

Let's start with the basic premise that "Fear" is important. 

However it's like a garnish of ghost peppers in a bowl of rice porridge. Too much and you will have self immolated your intestines.

Similarly with fear.

In most cases there is too much of it. And guess what? It doesn't let us reach our potential.

So coming back to the point... "Fear is important".

Here's why...

1. Fear keeps you alert

2. It doesn't let you take things for granted

3. Makes your check, recheck and check again

and in my case, it made me do the following before I set off each time for a track session...

1. Check my brake

2. Check tire pressure and tire wear

3. Oil level & viscosity

4. Battery amps and voltage

5. Suspension compression, rebound & preload(sag) settings

6. If all bolts and quick releases are snug

7. Suit, helmet, back protector and boots for wear/tear

And prior to a track day weekend..... well lets just say I had 2 bikes and enough tools and kit to run a small garage. So you can imagine the checklists that go into getting such an operation off the ground. 

Picture the logistical prep work you need to do to ferry 2 bikes from one city to another, load the gear and kit and then drive 150 miles to a race track, after meeting/project discussion filled work week, on a Friday evening, while trying to beat the traffic and planning the route based on the Friday evening rush.

Invariably such an logistical mission only ended at 12:00am... as the task is only complete when we I've unloaded the bikes and set up all the equipment to start strafing apexes next morning. And did I mention that after the tiring evening we just had, while most of the world is still on "beer o clock" schedule, we get up at 6:00am to wash and prep ourselves, prep the bikes, safety check, mount tire warmers, eat breakfast and attend the riders briefing before suiting for the warmup session? The funny thing is everyone ONLY sees those pictures on Facebook and presume its just riding a bike fast. How hard can it be?

I mean I've heard comments from some of my former acquaintances that it cant be hard to do track days. Well... you  see why I call them "former" and "acquaintance".

And while you are on the track.. there is more... 

In a scene in the movie "Gone in 60 seconds", Nicolas Cage lectures a bunch of kids on how to achieve greatness in karting.... "Speed is the outcome" he says.... "Of focus, concentration and smoothness of throttle control".. Okay the last part my track day instructor told me when I qualified for my AFM racing license. (Don't tell Mr Feeny that I compared him to Nick Cage.. :D.. I am not sure he ll take it well)

What he didn't tell me was you need to do all of the above while being scared to death because the guy behind you dive bombed in to the corner or you had massive front end shake while braking or the rear wheel is sliding as you got on the gas exiting a turn. 

But then... its the fear in the first place that tells me not to get greedy on the gas when I exit a corner... and EVEN when the rear wheel started sliding one day... over coming that fear, taught me to hold the throttle steady when it happened... the bike WILL come back in line.

You know what else? It made sure, I put on my tire warmers before the riders briefing because the tires need at least 40 min before the start of the day. Too long and I will be riding on rubber goo and too little and I am on for a nasty "front tuck" the first time I brake hard. Why brake hard in the first lap?? Hey guess what.. That's how you bring your brakes up to temperature.. Which kinda is necessary as you go faster and faster.

Right!!! So .. still think its not complicated to do a track day/go racing? I mean there are less complex launch procedures for aircrafts than this.

The fear also taught me that the more organized I am with my track day prep, I am keeping my mind free of clutter and I focus better, when I am trying to place a bike in an exact spot of the turn...... in full lean....... at over 90mph.

The fear made me clean and condition my leather suit after EACH track day as it lets me inspect every stitch on the suit.. why?.... the last thing you want when you go down is a seam coming out and giving you flesh burns that will be a grim reminder of how you took things for granted that one time in life.

While the fear made me do a lot of things.. maybe even over do some things.. What I didn't let fear do to me was.... bog me down....... by doubting my ability to do things. 

There was a quote on the wall of the academic block in my military school that read....

"Courage isn't the absence of fear. Its acting in spite of it." 

That quote aptly describes Courage if you ask me. Overcoming fear isn't necessarily saying, "to hell with the world" and head butting your way through things. It might help you get stuff done 4/10 times. But using that fear to prep your self really well and then moving forward might help you meet your objective 8/10 or 9/10.. or hell.. maybe even EVERY time you try to accomplish a goal.

Which brings me to now.

The fear to do ANYTHING normally.... is real. I mean I feared running into things and furniture in my house when I first went home after 4 months of not being there and losing my memory... ALL OF IT. 

So what did I do?... I counted steps. 

The study table is 6 steps from my couch..... 

The tea table is 4 steps from the kitchen counter.....

And the fact I knew the bed was 3 steps away from my bedroom door prevented me from falling face first one day.

I am kidding myself if I think I can drive like Schumacher and ride like Rossi now that I am better than before. Especially after the doctor confirmed last Friday that my visual field index IS 80% at best. And the practical implications were confirmed the next day when I was sitting in Alex's car and I still couldn't see the cyclists on the road or the car darting out a intersection. 

But as Roshini tells me often, "Now that you know the problem.. do what you do best.. FIX IT.. find an alternative"

So the fact remains. I fear EVERYTHING.  To keep pushing... especially when every step I take makes me feel that the goal has moved farther away... and getting back on a bike seems impossible.

But now.. more than ever... I need to believe that, Fear is an Ally.. I need to use it... use it to prep my self and keep pushing.

Fear is important.