The ally called Fear

Let's start with the basic premise that "Fear" is important. 

However it's like a garnish of ghost peppers in a bowl of rice porridge. Too much and you will have self immolated your intestines.

Similarly with fear.

In most cases there is too much of it. And guess what? It doesn't let us reach our potential.

So coming back to the point... "Fear is important".

Here's why...

1. Fear keeps you alert

2. It doesn't let you take things for granted

3. Makes your check, recheck and check again

and in my case, it made me do the following before I set off each time for a track session...

1. Check my brake

2. Check tire pressure and tire wear

3. Oil level & viscosity

4. Battery amps and voltage

5. Suspension compression, rebound & preload(sag) settings

6. If all bolts and quick releases are snug

7. Suit, helmet, back protector and boots for wear/tear

And prior to a track day weekend..... well lets just say I had 2 bikes and enough tools and kit to run a small garage. So you can imagine the checklists that go into getting such an operation off the ground. 

Picture the logistical prep work you need to do to ferry 2 bikes from one city to another, load the gear and kit and then drive 150 miles to a race track, after meeting/project discussion filled work week, on a Friday evening, while trying to beat the traffic and planning the route based on the Friday evening rush.

Invariably such an logistical mission only ended at 12:00am... as the task is only complete when we I've unloaded the bikes and set up all the equipment to start strafing apexes next morning. And did I mention that after the tiring evening we just had, while most of the world is still on "beer o clock" schedule, we get up at 6:00am to wash and prep ourselves, prep the bikes, safety check, mount tire warmers, eat breakfast and attend the riders briefing before suiting for the warmup session? The funny thing is everyone ONLY sees those pictures on Facebook and presume its just riding a bike fast. How hard can it be?

I mean I've heard comments from some of my former acquaintances that it cant be hard to do track days. Well... you  see why I call them "former" and "acquaintance".

And while you are on the track.. there is more... 

In a scene in the movie "Gone in 60 seconds", Nicolas Cage lectures a bunch of kids on how to achieve greatness in karting.... "Speed is the outcome" he says.... "Of focus, concentration and smoothness of throttle control".. Okay the last part my track day instructor told me when I qualified for my AFM racing license. (Don't tell Mr Feeny that I compared him to Nick Cage.. :D.. I am not sure he ll take it well)

What he didn't tell me was you need to do all of the above while being scared to death because the guy behind you dive bombed in to the corner or you had massive front end shake while braking or the rear wheel is sliding as you got on the gas exiting a turn. 

But then... its the fear in the first place that tells me not to get greedy on the gas when I exit a corner... and EVEN when the rear wheel started sliding one day... over coming that fear, taught me to hold the throttle steady when it happened... the bike WILL come back in line.

You know what else? It made sure, I put on my tire warmers before the riders briefing because the tires need at least 40 min before the start of the day. Too long and I will be riding on rubber goo and too little and I am on for a nasty "front tuck" the first time I brake hard. Why brake hard in the first lap?? Hey guess what.. That's how you bring your brakes up to temperature.. Which kinda is necessary as you go faster and faster.

Right!!! So .. still think its not complicated to do a track day/go racing? I mean there are less complex launch procedures for aircrafts than this.

The fear also taught me that the more organized I am with my track day prep, I am keeping my mind free of clutter and I focus better, when I am trying to place a bike in an exact spot of the turn...... in full lean....... at over 90mph.

The fear made me clean and condition my leather suit after EACH track day as it lets me inspect every stitch on the suit.. why?.... the last thing you want when you go down is a seam coming out and giving you flesh burns that will be a grim reminder of how you took things for granted that one time in life.

While the fear made me do a lot of things.. maybe even over do some things.. What I didn't let fear do to me was.... bog me down....... by doubting my ability to do things. 

There was a quote on the wall of the academic block in my military school that read....

"Courage isn't the absence of fear. Its acting in spite of it." 

That quote aptly describes Courage if you ask me. Overcoming fear isn't necessarily saying, "to hell with the world" and head butting your way through things. It might help you get stuff done 4/10 times. But using that fear to prep your self really well and then moving forward might help you meet your objective 8/10 or 9/10.. or hell.. maybe even EVERY time you try to accomplish a goal.

Which brings me to now.

The fear to do ANYTHING normally.... is real. I mean I feared running into things and furniture in my house when I first went home after 4 months of not being there and losing my memory... ALL OF IT. 

So what did I do?... I counted steps. 

The study table is 6 steps from my couch..... 

The tea table is 4 steps from the kitchen counter.....

And the fact I knew the bed was 3 steps away from my bedroom door prevented me from falling face first one day.

I am kidding myself if I think I can drive like Schumacher and ride like Rossi now that I am better than before. Especially after the doctor confirmed last Friday that my visual field index IS 80% at best. And the practical implications were confirmed the next day when I was sitting in Alex's car and I still couldn't see the cyclists on the road or the car darting out a intersection. 

But as Roshini tells me often, "Now that you know the problem.. do what you do best.. FIX IT.. find an alternative"

So the fact remains. I fear EVERYTHING.  To keep pushing... especially when every step I take makes me feel that the goal has moved farther away... and getting back on a bike seems impossible.

But now.. more than ever... I need to believe that, Fear is an Ally.. I need to use it... use it to prep my self and keep pushing.

Fear is important.